Good questions to ask your adult children can make room to learn about the lives they are building today. Whether they live under the same roof or elsewhere, each person may want different ways of spending time together. Ask with curiosity, without demanding closeness or assuming that growing up means moving out or drifting away.
The most common mistake: only asking about the past
It is natural for questions to adult children to lean toward nostalgia — remembering childhood, what “I did wrong or right.” But there is a trap in that: many parents, without realizing it, keep seeing their adult child as the child they were, not the person they are now. So it is worth balancing questions about the past with questions about the present — the challenges, joys and plans of their adult life, which you often know far less about than you think.
About their childhood
- What is your happiest memory of our home?
- Is there something I did that stayed with you in a good way?
- What did you learn from me that you carry into your life?
About who they are today
- What are you proudest of in your life right now?
- Which dream do you still want to fulfil?
- Is there something you have always wanted to tell me but never had the chance?
About your relationship
- How can I be a better parent to you today?
- Which memories of our family would you like to share with other people?
These conversations help keep your family’s memory alive and build a family legacy that spans generations.
A bridge rebuilt
Asking questions says, plainly, that you still want to know your child — and that is how many relationships grow close again.
Ask about the life they have today
An adult child in another Canadian province or territory may have built a routine you know little about. Ask about friendships, community, work and what they wish you understood better. Avoid using the conversation to measure success or push decisions. If there is more than one language in the family, agree on the one in which you can talk most comfortably. A written answer can also open space when a call is hard to schedule.
Further reading: StoryCorps — great questions.